Why did God let her get married, but not me?

It can be so hard to watch someone else receive the thing that you are so desperately desiring.

Especially when we see the girl whose "timeline" went exactly how it's "supposed" to go. You know, the one who got married the day after she graduated and had kids long before her biological clock expired.

It's natural to look at the girl who has everything you want and wonder, "Why not me, God?"

But is it actually God Who is keeping you single? I think we have to be careful about blaming God for everything that does or doesn't happen in our lives.

Ultimately, God is sovereign and He is in control. Nothing can happen to us that He doesn't allow. And if He has a specific will for us in some area, nothing can keep Him from accomplishing His plan. But, He has given us free will to make choices in life, and our choices (and the choices of the men around us) affect whether we get married and who we marry.

Men can choose to look at porn, be lazy, or apathetic toward their relationship with God. Women can choose to be critical, to not develop skills that a man looking for a help meet would desire, or to stay stuck in an unhealthy place instead of doing the work necessary to heal and grow. Neither of them should blame God for their single status as they are choosing behaviors that make them less eligible to someone looking for a godly spouse. They are shirking their personal responsibility.

In the same way, men can choose to delight in God's Word and follow it's instructions. They can choose to seek wisdom, work hard, pursue God, lift weights, learn to express themselves, break bad habits or generational patterns, and be bold in pursuit of a woman. Women can choose to delight in God's Word and in wisdom. They can choose to take care of their health and weight, become better socially, learn homemaking skills, be a hard worker, break bad habits, and put themselves where they can be found by a good man.

God isn't going to force a person to change against their will. He may provide an environment that encourages change, He may convict the heart, He may bring mentors and friends to help, He may allow a trial to get our attention... but He's not going to force us to do what we ought to do. So when you see that friend who found a spouse and you want to be mad at God for not giving you one, first make sure you are not standing in your own way.

What if God is not up in heaven withholding a spouse from you, but rather pitying you, because the men who would be good options for you aren't walking with Him right now, or aren't taking responsibility for their lives? Or what if He sees that you have an area or two that you need to grow in before you would be ready to step into marriage, and He's giving you the opportunity to work on those things? Or maybe He knows that what is best for you right now is not marriage, but time to focus on God without distraction?

Remember that God is on your team, not against you. Whatever He's allowing or doing in your life right now, He is on your side. And remember that God's ultimate desire for you is sanctification, a closeness with Him, and a Christ-likeness formed in you - not marriage.

If the choices of the men around you are hindering you from getting married, then you can rejoice in God's protection.

If your own choices are hindering you from getting married, then you can ask the Lord to show you how you need to grow and improve.

And if indeed the Lord is, for a wonderful reason that you might not see yet, hindering you from getting married right now, then you can trust Him that it's for a good purpose.

Ask not why God does what He does, but if He is worthy of your trust. Can God be trusted? Is He good? Does He love you? Does He have your best interest at heart? Yes? Then you can rest in His character and trust in His love for you - even when your circumstances don't make sense.

We are finite little specks called humans. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. Our ways are not His ways. We have to humble ourselves and admit - we don't know what is best for us, because we are not God. When we think we know better than Him what is right for our lives, when we balk against His timeline and plan, we make ourselves god.

When a wave of disappointment and questioning comes over us - we have two choices.

We can despair and believe what our senses tell us - that God is not on our side, He is not all-wise, His way is not perfect, He's not on time, and He doesn't know best. Or, we can humble ourselves, admit that we don't know what's best for us, and choose to trust the God who does.

"Whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he." Proverbs 16:20

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments below!

(originally written when I had the gift of singleness. revised recently.)